The above link will take you to a Babycenter.com article that presents tips and tricks for mothers trying to look presentable when they get out of the house. I'm all for sharing wisdom that has been passed down through the ages, but some of the advice in this Babycenter post takes the whole "sacrifice your youthful appearance so you can be an extraordinary parent" idea a little too far.
These women sound as if walking around with no work put into their personal appearance is perfectly fine. I get it. Mothers don't have to be beauty queens unless they want to be. Now, I don't know about you, but I feel better about myself and sometimes even my work when my appearance is polished.
If you like, click the link and browse for a minute. Then come back here and read.
Go on.
Welcome back.
Now that you've acquainted yourself with the aforementioned gems of wisdom, I'd like to list a few of the pieces of advice and offer my humble opinion about them. Please keep in mind that I have a nine-month-old and a full-time professional position, so I'm not commenting on things that are outside of my area of expertise.
For the sake of your precious free time -- if you're in a sitch similar to mine, you don't have much of it -- I'll stick to the particularly memorable ones that make me cock my head in astonishment.
Let's begin with Babycenter's Plan Ahead section:
Hahahahaha. "Plan ahead." Good one.
I digress.
"Shower at night after the kids are in bed. In the morning just flat-iron your hair. There's no time for a blow-dry."
No time for a blow-dry? The woman who suggested this is clearly caucasian and has never had to deal with the frustration of taming frizzy, wavy or curly hair. Straight-ironing that shiz isn't the end-all-be-all solution, either. Not all women were born with white girl hair, so please don't assume that everyone else can do without a blow-dry, unless they just WANT their hair to look like that of a demented clown's. And that's coming from a white girl who was born with stick-straight hair.
Don't worry about prepping your hair in the morning. Just wear curlers to bed. What's that about them causing neck pain at night? That's just one of the many sacrifices you're going to have to make, honey. Try a chiropractor.
"I think about what I'm going to wear ahead of time, like when I'm eating breakfast or lying in bed."
Do you ever do things typically done in bed? Like, sleeping? Or having sex?
When you eat, do you chew your food and enjoy it?
Didn't think so.
When I'm eating breakfast, I'm scarfing it down and usually watching Sofia, too. When I'm lying in bed, I'm usually sleeping, texting or setting my alarm before falling the eff to sleep. Not thinking about what I'm going to wear. I think about what I'm going to wear when I'm perusing my closet.
Maybe I'm weird, though. That is a real possibility. And it's probably true, considering that I'm a mother who cares about the way she looks to people other than her baby. Moving on.
"Choose your clothes the night before, so your tired brain doesn't have to make any decisions in the morning."
Mothers and fathers alike wake up, prepare their children for the day, and then take their "tired brains" to their jobs and handle decisions and plans that are much more significant than wardrobe choices, so please take that statement and rephrase/ shove it.
The Prioritize section:
"Make time to at least put some makeup on and never go out in pajamas. Because if you do, it's downhill from there. You'll start to think it's acceptable."
Totes downhill, brah. You'll also start to think it's acceptable to not have tanned that week. You're a total failure if you let your kids and friends know that without that God-given spray tan, your skin is really a pasty ecru color.
"Always wash your face, wear clean underwear, and put on deodorant."
I feel like I've read this somewhere before ... Oh, that's right. In my fourth-grade hygiene book.
"Instead of doing your whole makeup routine, stick to a couple of basics that highlight your best features. For me that's just putting on mascara and sometimes blush."
What she really meant to say was, "For me, this means little to no make up is necessary to look absolutely perfect. My skin is uh-mazing, so minimal coverage is needed. Isn't that the case for everyone else? It's not? My tired brain can't handle this..."
"No tricks – just hustle!"
That's what I told your mom last night.
The Keep It Simple section:
"I use minimal makeup and I let my hair air-dry."
Or "I also work in food service, and I am required to pull my hair into a ponytail, so I really shouldn't be commenting about pre-work hair prep anyways."
Refer back to my previous comment about women with hair that's not naturally tame/straight.
"Wipe very important areas, brush your teeth, put body lotion on, and wear a hat."
No because it's called a "shower," done, don't always have time for that, and no on that last one.
Thanks for the heads-up, hygiene counselor!
"Wear more repeat outfits and fewer accessories."
When people around you ask what that smell is, just tell them you didn't have time to change after wiping your baby's spit-up off of your shirt. But don't tell them that this happened three days ago.
"I wear my nursing tank around the house and just throw a T-shirt over it and add jeans and flip-flops. I'm ready in a flash."
"And all the women at Wal-Mart look at me like, 'Ooooh, that girl. She look good.'"
Take It on the Road:
"I skip makeup until I get to the office."
"My boss doesn't mind me painting my face in the middle of our morning meeting."
Rethink things:
"If you pump in the morning, use a hands-free pumping bra. You can do your hair and makeup while you're pumping."
...
I'm starting to rethink that decision they made to let you off of your meds.
Take shortcuts:
"If I know I'm going to be in a rush, I sleep in the clothes I'm going to wear the next day."
Go you, soccer mom who doesn't have a job!
"I wipe myself with a washcloth or wipes, lotion my arms and legs, use deodorant, eyeliner, and lipstick, and spritz perfume on my neck and wrists. I keep my hair in braids so I don't have to do it every day."
"Or, at least that's how we do it on Alderaan..."
Don't worry:
"Remember that everyone looks at your kid and not you."
I won't dignify that "piece of advice" with a rebuttal.
"Just make do with less and put up with being frumpy unless you decide it's worth sacrificing sleep to try to improve the situation."
Oh, honey, don't believe what those sister wives tell you....
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